first, we’ll start off with some true doctor tales…

A man comes into the ER and yells,
“My wife’s going to
have her baby in the
cab!” I grabbed my stuff,
rushed out to the cab,
lifted the lady’s dress,
and began to take off her
underwear. Suddenly I
noticed that there were
several cabs, and I was
in the wrong one.
-Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

At the beginning of my shift
I placed a stethoscope on
an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient’s
anterior chest wall.
Big breaths,” I
instructed. Yes, they used to be,”
remorsefully
replied the patient.
-Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

One day I had to be the bearer
of bad news when I told
a wife that her
husband had died of a massive
myocardial infarct. Not
more than five minutes
later, I heard her reporting
to the rest of the family
that he had died of a
“massive internal fart.”
-Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

I was performing a complete physical,
including the
visual acuity test. I
placed the patient twenty
feet from the chart and
began, “Cover your right
eye with your hand.” He read
the 20/20 line perfectly.
Now your left.”
Again, a flawless read. Now both,”
I requested. There
was silence. He
couldn’t even read the
large E on the top line. I
turned and discovered that
he had done exactly what
I had asked; he was standing
there with both his
eyes covered. I was laughing
too hard to finish the exam.
-Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

During a patient’s two week
follow-up appointment with
his cardiologist, he
informed me, his doctor,
that he was having trouble
with one of his
medications. Which one?”
I asked. The patch. The nurse
told me to put on a
new one every six hours and
now I’m running out of
places to put it!” I had
him quickly undress and
discovered what I hoped I
wouldn’t see. Yes, the man
had over fifty patches on his body! Now the
instructions include removal of
the old patch before applying a new one.
-Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

While acquainting myself with
a new elderly patient, I
asked, “How long have
you been bed-ridden?”
After a look of complete
confusion she answered .
Why, not for about twenty years
– when my husband was alive.”
-Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked,
So, how’s your breakfast this morning?”
It’s very good, except for the Kentucky
Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste,”
the patient replied. I then asked to see the
jelly and the woman produced a foil packet
labeled “KY Jelly.”
-Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

A new, young MD doing his
residency in OB was quite
embarrassed performing
female pelvic exams. To cover
his embarrassment he had
unconsciously formed
a habit of whistling softly.
The middle aged lady upon whom
he was performing this
exam suddenly burst
out laughing and further
embarrassed him. He looked up
from his work and
sheepishly said, “I’m sorry.
Was I tickling you?”
She replied, “No doctor,
but the song you were
whistling was ‘I wish I was
an Oscar Meyer Wiener.”
-won’t admit his name

next we’ll do a few funny quotes…

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,”
-Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”
-Mariah Carey

“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life,”
-Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,”
-Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,”
-Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

“I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.”
-Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it,”
-A congressional candidate in Texas.

“Half this game is ninety percent mental.”
-Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”
-Al Gore, Vice President

“I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.”
-Dan Quayle

“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?”
-Lee Iacocca

“I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version.”
-Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

“The word ‘genius” isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”
-Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.

“We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.”
-Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.”
-Bill Clinton, President

“We are ready for an unforese en event that may or may not occur.”
-Al Gore, VP

“Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.”
-Keppel Enderbery

“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.”
-Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.”
-Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

and finally a sex joke…

A guy stops to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. His friend says, “My feet are cold. Would you get me my sneakers for me?”
The guy goes upstairs, and there are his friend’s two gorgeous daughters.
He says, “Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to fuck you.”
The first daughter says, “That’s not true.”
He says, “I’ll prove it.”
He yells down the stairs, “Both of them?”
His friend yells back, “Of course, both of them.”